Three men and a prick
October 27th 2010 07:30
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vyoos news
STORIES OF THE NEARLY NORMAL
Three Earth men from the Australian state of Queensland have appeared before a hearing of the Intergalactic Tribunal for the Humane Extermination of Sub-moronic Examples of Sentient Organisms.
The hearing sought to determine whether the men should be exterminated immediately, with costs.
The tribunal first heard from the Prosecutor, a seven-headed Stryzzlegryzz from the planet of Sooyoo, who presented the facts of the case.
"One of these men," the prosecutor told the judge, a Learned Cloud from Milky Way Central, "tattooed a penis on to the back of a second of these men, while the third man watched," the Prosecutor said.
"What's a penis?" the Judge said.
"A reproductive appendage, m'Cloud," the Prosecutor explained. "However, the recipient of the appendage did not know he was getting a penis tattoo. He thought he was getting a yin and yang symbol."
The Learned Cloud emitted a small snort of thunder. "Did he have his eyes closed throughout the procedure?" he asked.
"M'Cloud," said the Prosecutor, "this information is not known, but if I may clarify, it would be irrelevant to this case because the tattoo was being drawn on the back, and Earth men do not have eyes in the backs of their heads."
The Learned Cloud sat up straight and looked closed at the three Earth men.
"Good Galaxy!" he exclaimed. "How backward. Or forward. Or something. Proceed Mr Prosecutor."
"Thank you, m'Cloud. It appears the tattoo artist and the penis recipient, although friendly, had had an argument. The tattoo artist had patched up the friendship, but this was in fact a ruse. Still angry with his so-called friend, he wanted to inflict humiliation.
"He therefore, with apparent sincerity and friendship, offered to fulfil the stated wish of the first man to have a yin and yang symbol tattooed on his back.
"Instead, he created a penis."
"Well, without eyes in the back of his head, how did he discover the deception?" the Judge asked.
"When the man returned to his place of abode, which he shared with a woman, he showed the tattoo to her. She reported told him, 'I don't think it's the tattoo you were after'.''
The Judge shook his head, and then asked, "And the third man?"
"The third man, m'Cloud, stood and watched as the tattoo was drawn, and assured the recipient at intervals that the yin and yang were coming along splendidly. He is reported to have said," and here the Prosecutor checked his notes, " 'Mate, it's looking really good.' This is believed to local vernacular aimed at convincing the recipient of the integrity of the work."
Judge Cloud considered the evidence for a time, and then said in deep, slow tones, "I find the case for criminal moronity proven in all three cases; the recipient of the penis for being dumb enough to have trusted his so-called friends; the other two for being sufficiently moronic to conceive of and support this act; and all three for their failure to have eyes all around their heads.
"Mr Prosecutor, if we return these men to Earth, can we expect them to face any penalty there for their actions?"
"M'Cloud, our information is that the Earth prosecutorial forces, known as police, are considering a charge of assault and a further charge for breaching the Public Safety Act."
"And the maximum penalty?" the Judge asked.
"A fine of indeterminable extent, Sir."
"What! Not extermination?"
"No, m'Cloud."
The Judge sighed.
"Send them back," he said at last. "Earth people obviously have yet to appreciate the seriousness of advanced stupidity. These three might serve to show them."
couriermail.com.au
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