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Today's news: bowser bonk

February 9th 2010 07:13
The trial continues of an Australian man who was having sexual intercourse with a woman in a vehicle at a petrol station and who refused to stop having sexual intercourse despite police arriving and requesting him to do so.

The court was told that police indicated from outside the locked vehicle that they wanted the couple to cease having sex. Exactly how the police indicated their requirements was not made clear in media reports of the court case.

The police arrived at the petrol station, the court in Darwin was told today, because the petrol station attendant could see the pair "kissing passionately", and because he could hear loud moaning, and because the woman was "moving in ways that gave the impression the pair was having sexual intercourse''.


It is known that the accused, named as Lionel Mark William Spratt, was asleep for at least some of these events. Spratt's Legal Aid lawyer, Matthew Hubber, told the court that the vehicle, owned by Spratt, was being driven by the woman because Spratt had "been on drugs all day at Litchfield National Park" and was asleep. When the woman had pulled into the petrol station, the lawyer said, she had exited the driver's side, climbed into the passenger's side, and climbed onto the lap of Spratt.

The act of sex had then commenced.

The prosecutor in the case, Scott Tierney, told the court that the police, when they arrived, asked the couple to stop having sex. The couple, however, had not complied, and police had been unable to arrest Spratt, due to the vehicle being locked, until the sex had ended, 27 minutes later.

The case has been adjourned until tomorrow when the Chief Magistrate, Jenny Blokland, will pass sentence.

Northern Territory News


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Shrek's hard luck story

November 26th 2008 22:42
feather hat

Warning: do no read this post if you are offended by references to parrots or feather hats or sleeping women named Jackie.

Or sex.

Jackie Lucking, a mother of three from Essex, England, had been to a christening. She wore her best feather hat.

Now the story turns murky. When Jackie arrived back home, she went to sleep on her sofa wearing her hat. It is unclear why Jackie did this. Had she imbibed a little too much christening wine? Or did she did she regularly mix hats, sofas and sleep?

Anyway, imagine Jackie snoozing peacefully, a loose feather rising and falling rhythmically in her breath stream. And now imagine the arrival of the second protagonist in our story. His name is Shrek, and he is a parrot, and he is in a state of sexual arousal.

His excitement is due, it has been determined, to the ingestion of nine SlimNSexy diet pills. These pills, carelessly left around by Jackie, are claimed by the manufacturer also to stimulate sexual urges.

The manufacturer will be happy to know that, for parrots at least, their claim is manifestly true. Shrek, flying into the living room, full of SlimNSexy pills and wanting nothing more in this world than a feathered friend to fornicate with, saw Jackie's hat.

Shrek didn't hesitate. With a shriek, Shrek pounced.

With a shriek, Jackie woke, aroused by an aroused parrot bonking the hat on her head.

"He turned into a maniac," she told her local tabloid. "All he wanted was to get his wing over. It’s disgusting."

Someone prone to wearing feather hats and leaving SlimNSexy pills around the house may well judge this as disgusting. In the circumstances, we see it as a perfectly reasonable flight of fancy.

www.news.com; image: www.theartfulhatcompany.co.uk


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iPhoney

November 20th 2008 13:25
iPhone

A man discovered by his wife to be taking pictures of his genitals with his iPhone and then sending the pictures to another woman, has denied responsibility. It was all due, he said, to an "iPhone glitch".

The iPhone is Apple's glitzy entry into mobile telephony. The man, whom we shall call Gerald, was rumbled by his wife, whom we shall call Susan, after Susan decided to inspect Gerald's sleek new iPhone, and found the unexpected pictures in the sent folder.

Susan confronted her husband, who admitted he had taken the pictures but denied sending them to anyone. The glitch, he said, was a known iPhone issue. He had been told this, he said, by the people at the local Apple store. No photos had actually been sent - pictures "sometimes automatically attach themselves to an e-mail address and appear in the sent folder, even though no e-mail was ever sent", said Gerald.

Susan, unconvinced, decided to seek expert opinion. Where else, she reasoned, but the online Apple support forums. There she went and told the whole story and asked for guidance. Her marriage, she wrote, depended on it.

Susan's post attracted a variety of comments and advice.

"It's a glitch, but only happens if the pic is sufficiently raunchy," wrote one reader.

"I think your marriage has a glitch" wrote another.

In time, Susan also learned that the glitch issue had never previously been reported on Apple's support forums, and none of the users who replied to her post had ever heard of it.

Susan has written one final comment on the Apple forum, announcing that she has instigated divorce proceedings and thanking everyone for their input.
news.com.au


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