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committee meeting
Warning: Committee meetings can be dangerous to your health

STORIES OF THE NEARLY NORMAL
Further evidence has emerged that committee meetings on Planet Earth have been infected by an alien virus which feeds on dim-wittedness.


The latest outbreak of bizarre committee behaviour comes from the Czech Republic, where transport authority officers met recently to discuss road traffic problems.

The group heard that the problems were due to a shortage of traffic lights. Someone suggested more traffic lights be installed. Someone said traffic lights were expensive. Someone said perhaps traffic light alternatives could be explored.

Experts examining the transcript of the committee meeting pinpoint this moment as the crucial one. No human, they say, no matter how intellectually enfeebled, could have been responsible for what happened next unless under the influence of an alien viral invasion.

Someone suggested, instead of traffic lights, they install at intersections cardboard cut-outs of female police officers wearing mini-skirts.

Things got rapidly worse from there as the virus took over the meeting. Someone called for a vote on the proposal. And the committee voted in favour.

What happened next suggests the dim decision-creating virus, having had a feeding frenzy, went quiet, because things returned to sensible predictability.


The mini-skirted cardboard policewoman cut-outs did not solve the problem. Police said so many motorists were distracted by them that traffic accidents actually doubled.

What a surprise.

The virus, unfortunately, will need to feed again soon. Beware, it could infect a committee meeting near you.
news.com.au


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Australia’s multicultural tomorrow

October 22nd 2010 02:24
: Vyoos news
multculturalism

VYOOS EDITORIAL
I have lost interest in the multiculturalism debate which periodically consumes Australia.

The debate springs to life every so often, invariably with passion and earnest argument from all points, usually started by old politicians finding support waning or new politicians needing to build support.

I’m sick of it.

Former conservative Australian Prime Minister John Howard made global headlines last month by claiming the English-speaking world had generally confused “multiracialism and multiculturalism”. It’s Howard that’s confusing, but I don’t care.

Australian-based, British journalist Pallavi Jain said this week that multiculturalism is dead. If she really believes that, it’s her brain that’s dead, but I’m over it.

In a speech in the Australian parliament yesterday, the Federal Member for Calwell, Maria Vamvakinou, accused both major political parties of abandoning multiculturalism and leaving “the field open to its enemies”.

Maria, I don’t care any more, and neither should you.

The only concern I have is that Australia will change its immigration policy. The politicians can grandstand all they like, so long as they don’t meddle with our current immigration mix.

I see the results of that policy when I walk through the Footscray pedestrian mall. Muslim head scarves. Jewish beards. African faces. Vietnamese shop signs. Indian supermarkets. Chinese restaurants full of Chinese-speaking people.

Not all urban malls are as colourful and diverse as this – probably few in the world are. I’m just lucky to live close by.

That’s where multiculturalism is alive and well. That is where we can see today the vibrant, rich and culturally diverse landscape which is the Australia of tomorrow.

They are building that tomorrow in the corridors of the Department of Immigration. Down there, away from the bright lights and glaring egos, they are getting on with the job.

They probably don’t care any more about multiculturalism than I do. They don’t need labels to describe what they’re achieving, because the labels just become political footballs.

No labels, no egos and precious little acknowledgement. Just achievement. And that I care about.

multculturalism



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: Alien Ambassador
alien

An emergency meeting of the Intergalactic Outreach Program, Milky Way Department, Minor and Primitive Species Sub-Committee, is "spitting mad" at Planet Earth, Vyoos has learned.

The information came from a steward who took a tea trolley into the sub-committee meeting. The steward, who spoke to Vyoos on condition of strict anonymity and payment of an unreasonably large amount of money, said he thought the sub-committee members were "extremely irritated" because Earthlings had caused an "unnecessary" meeting of the sub-committee.

That meeting is believed to have been called as a matter of top priority after an announcement on Earth that the United Nations, a large organistion dedicated to small talk, had decided to appoint an Alien Ambassador. The position was described by the UN as "somone in charge of making contact with extraterrestrials".

The news was broken by London's The Sunday Times. Vyoos would love to give you a link to the story, but we can't because The Sunday Times is one of the few newspapers in the known universe which charges for access to its web site.

The Sunday Times, according to other media reports about its report, named the Alien Ambassador as Mazlan Othman, the Malaysian-born, Vienna-based astrophysicist who is Director of the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs.

That's when the Intergalactic Outreach Program demanded its Milky Way Department do something. "We don't want to reach out to those pathetic primitives on Earth," a terse memo said. "Find out if this decision means their hopelessly ancient technology has given them a sniff of the existence of intelligent life elsewhere." The Milky Way Department immediately ordered the emergency meeting of the Minor and Primitive Species Sub-Committee.

It was just minutes after the start of that meeting that news came through that Earth's United Nations had issued a statement denying the report in The Sunday Times. It was, the UN said, "nonsense". Ms Othman quickly issued her own statement confirming the UN statement. There would be no appointment, and there never had been an intention to appoint, an Alien Ambassador.

The Sunday Times was not available for comment.

His Excellency the Honourable Schneckle Floowoorty, chairman of the Minor and Primitive Species Sub-Committee, said, "What the devil are those Earthlings playing at? I was hauled out of a Magellanic Pleasure Chamber for this meeting. And, dammit, where's the tea trolley?"
aolnews.com, newslite.tv, vancouversun.com, nypost.com




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A planet of barbarians

September 18th 2010 08:46
afghan war

During a recent conversation, a friend argued that if there were lots of other sentient beings in the universe, as is commonly supposed, surely they would have visited us. We can dismiss UFO sightings, which are common but useless in that they all stop short of being verifiable. So where are they? Why haven't all these supposedly advanced civilisations answered the radio signals we have been sending into space for years?

[ Click here to read more ]
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gay pride

VYOOS EDITORIAL
Garry Martin, principal of Lepage Primary School in Melbourne, Australia, said he didn't mean to insult gays when he told his students to change the words of an iconic song


[ Click here to read more ]
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same sex marriage gay equality
VYOOS EDITORIAL
Julia Gillard’s honeymoon period is over. For me at least.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Obama gets it right

November 19th 2009 02:09
obama bow

When US President Barack Obama met Japanese Emperor Akihito in Tokyo last week, he both shook hands and bowed.

[ Click here to read more ]
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G8 chatfest under way

July 7th 2008 00:38
G8 protest march Japan
Protestors welcome the G8 leaders to this year's meeting
Picture: Reuters

And here is the main news item being reported around the world three days from now: G8 leaders have just concluded a landmark meeting in Japan by signing a series of initiatives which are being hailed as a breakthrough in international willingness to confront climate change.

[ Click here to read more ]
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