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Charlie Sheen, idiot

October 28th 2010 10:25

: Vyoos news

STORIES OF THE NEARLY NORMAL
If pushed, I would admit to a touch of envy at the life of Charlie Sheen.

The guy has enough talent to shine in the star-studded cast of TV mega-hit Two and a Half Men. He has looks and charm. He has wit, implying intelligence. One assumes, at age 45, he has health. And as part of the Sheen acting dynasty, he is of Hollywood aristocracy.

He has so much. So why does he waste it?

Why, in what was reported to be a drunken rage this week, did he take a prostitute back to his New York hotel room, wait until she was naked before locking her in a closet, and then trash the room?

Oh, wait, here it is, in the media small print: he flew into a rage because he found his wallet and phone missing.

The consequent room trashing must have sounded ominous to the naked prostitute locked in the closet. The report says she screamed. Perhaps she feared for her life. The report also said she phoned security, which duly came to the room and rescued her, in her nakedness, from the closet.

The report didn't say how she came to have a phone in the closet. It did say the security people didn't have to worry about Charlie because he was by this time passed out on the bed.

He was naked too.

Other reported facts were that Sheen was in New York on holiday with ex-wife Denise Richards and their two daughters, who were staying in a separate hotel suite. While they presumably had gone to bed at a civilised hour, perhaps anticipating some pleasant family togetherness the following day visiting a museum or a zoo or a show, Sheen had gone out "partying".

The hotel security people who woke Sheen said they found him "intoxicated, irrational" and "emotionally disturbed". However, he had gone voluntarily to hospital. Under police escort. On the way he confided to the cops, as best buddies do, that his night's entertainment had included cocaine.

A Sheen publicist said later that Charlie's behaviour was due to an allergic reaction to medication.

Right. Got it.

For a man with so much, why is Charlie Sheen such an idiot?
image: Getty Images

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Celebrity watch, Human nature, North America, US, Stories of the Nearly Normal

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The lawman and the lap dancer

September 23rd 2010 09:16

: The lawman and the lap dancer

Wyatt Earp would not be pleased

VYOOS EDITORIAL
Unemployment in the United States is close to 10 per cent, a disturbing level for a developed country, and is forecast to rise.

At this level, few people in the country are unaffected. Almost everyone will know someone, quite likely an extended family member, who has lost a job and is desperate for another one. Those who do have some assets may be watching them dissipate - the US dollar, the US sharemarket and property prices are all sliding.

When unemployment hits 10 per cent anywhere, there are hardship stories all around. For those with children and no job, the hardship can be better described as heartbreak.

One man who does have a secure job is William Nolan. He lives in Connecticut and is a state marshal. It's a position that means a lot in the US. Built on the legacy of romantic figures like Bat Masterson, Wyatt Earp and Wild Bill Hickock, and with an unbroken history of service stretching back to 1789 when the office was created by the Judiciary Act passed by the first US Congress, it's a position of trust.

William Nolan must be a proud man, and one whose hand you'd be happy to shake.

Maybe not.

William Nolan went to work one day recently, and was given the duty of serving a tax warrant on Johnny Kraft, owner of a strip club. The tax warrant was for US$9,800. Nolan, it has been alleged, added 10 per cent to the amount, which was discovered when Kraft paid the bill directly to the city, rather than to Nolan.

Still at the club, having delivered the tax demand to Kraft, Nolan decided to wile away a work hour or two by availing himself of the pleasures of the premises. He hired himself a lap dancer.

Nolan this week appeared before a commission of inquiry, which found "probable cause" that he "unreasonably blurred the lines between professional and personal conduct''.

"I think it was a lack of judgment and I want to put on the record that I apologise to my wife and family and my 87-year-old mother," Nolan told the commissioners, reportedly through tears.

The commission recommended a disciplinary hearing.

If Nolan loses his job, let's hope his replacement appreciates the privilege the position brings.
middletownpress.com

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Human nature, North America, US, Vyoos Editorial

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The Maddest Moment in History

September 17th 2010 06:38

The Maddest Moments in History symposium, held every 50 years at a hot lava and ether resort in the upmarket north-western quadrant of the Triangulum Galaxy, is taken seriously by academics looking to create a better future by studying past aberrations.

The delegates to the Year 3000 symposium considered themselves privileged because they would be the first to hear the Madness Millennium Committee's decision about the Maddest Moment in the universe for the millennium just ended.

The excitement, as the delegates filed into the auditorium for the decision on that final day of the symposium, was tangible. They all knew the favourites:

The accident in 2779 when Gnutt Byngle, a brilliant but absent-minded physicist from Ursa Minor, flicked the wrong switch and reversed the gravitational pull of every black hole in the universe

The attempt in 2912 by the Eelgridack race to attach a steel cable to a nuclear fusion-powered drill and fire it through the centre of 124 stars, joining them to form the biggest necklace ever, and thereby scoring a mention in the Guinness Book of Universal Records

The decision in 2508 to criminalise the colour red

The lights dimmed, the delegates settled, and the symposium chair, Nester Plottlemancy, stepped on to the podium.

Much has been spoken, she said, in an exaggerated accent adopted by graduates of the University of the Pinwheel Galaxy, about the deserving front-runners for the Maddest Moment of the Third Millennium Award.

"However, as you are all aware, it is the committee's duty to look into every corner and epoch of the universe in our search for Mad Moments."

The chair looked down at the delegates, at their ease and complacency, and gave a little smile.

"And if such searches are conducted," she continued, "with the diligence and commitment which we pride ourselves on bringing to our efforts, surprises can, and indeed must, occasionally occur."

A buzz went around the auditorium and the chair smiled again at the effect of her words. She knew, as did everyone present, that it had been hundreds of years since there had been a surprise Maddest Moment. The heavily-populated central regions of the universe had enough Mad Moments for 100 committees, and it had become a strong improbability that new and competitive Moments of Madness would be found.

The chair looked again at her audience, and then slowly raised 10 of her 24 tentacles to call for calm.

"The winner of the Maddest Moment of the Third Millenium Award goes to ..." and the delegates had to wait because the chair coughed, and coughed again, and took a dainty sip of water, before composing herself and saying, "... the planet Earth."

The auditorium erupted. The unthinkable had happened and none of the favourites had won. Oh how the bookies would be laughing! But, wait, what or where in the name of dark matter was Earth? A planet, did she say?

The chair waited for the noise to susbside slightly, before resuming, firmly.

"Earth is a moderate-sized planet attached to a moderate-sized sun in the Milky Way galaxy, and not even close to the centre of it, if truth be known. It has won the Millennium Award for an event which took place in 2010."

Again the delegates broke into a hubbub. So long ago! How did the committee find it? Even the 2508 colour red Madness was thought to be an impressive find.

"In 2010," the chair continued, "the humanoid inhabitants of Earth had a culture which worshipped body modification."

For a third time, the delegates broke into astonished exclamations. Body modification - or mutilation, as it was known in most of the universe - had been illegal pretty much everywhere for centuries, not so much because of any inclincation toward repressive legislation, but because the thought of it made most people puke.

"The practice of body modification on planet Earth," said the chair, "reached a climax on September 16, 2010, in a place called America. They had at that time a visual entertainment process known locally as television, and one of the American visual entertainment providers known as E! announced a new visual entertainment package which they called 'Bridalplasty'.

"It was to be an initiative within the visual entertainment sub-genre known as 'reality TV'.

"From the information we have been able to retrieve, the aim appeared to be to gather together 12 of the females of the species, each of them in a state known as 'engagement', which meant they were planning to participate in a ritualistic mating ceremony known on Earth as a wedding.

"The organisation known as E! announced its intention of placing the 12 females in a residence, and getting them to undertake certain exercises, including preparation of a personal wish list of body modifications.

"Records mention specific modification processes termed liposuction and rhinoplasty.

"The aim apparently was for a series of competitive activities to take place, one female being eliminated each week."

The chair looked at her prompt, and at the two remaining sentences. She took another sip of water, breathed deeply several times, and then proceeded, her voice quavering slightly.

"When only one female remained, her 'reward' was to receive all the body modifications on her wish list."

The delegates gasped.

"And then," said the chair, the quaver becoming a tremor, "she would be presented at her ritualistic mating ceremony, where her partner would be able to look, supposedly in appreciation, upon her new form."

Three days later, with all the symposium delegates safely time-warped back their home galaxies, the committee chair sat in her office and sighed once again with satisfaction and contentment. It had seemed a risky decision, but the approbation had been immediate and unanimous.

There had been a standing ovation, and there had been many speeches congratulating the committee members on the scope and depth of their work.

Everyone agreed it had been the Maddest Moment of the Millenium. Some were even talking of the Maddest Moment Ever.

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Human nature, North America, US

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Ricky Martin is a tabloid gay

April 3rd 2010 05:17

VYOOS EDITORIAL
The main news stories around the world on Monday, March 29, were the terrorist attacks on the Moscow subway, a surprise visit by the US president to Afghanistan, and the announcement by Ricky Martin that he is gay

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Entertainment, Human nature, Interracial relationships, US, Vyoos Editorial

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Today's news: Fare's fair

January 14th 2010 02:52

There are an estimated 13,000 taxis in New York city

It's an ongoing saga: person leaves valuables in New York cab, cab driver finds person and returns valuables.

The latest involves a 72-year-old Italian tourist named Felicia Lettieri, a young taxi driver named Mukul Asadujjaman, and a large purse containing about US$21,000 in cash, jewellery worth several thousand dollars and some passports

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Happy Spot, Human nature, North America, US

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