The end of death by call hold
October 28th 2010 06:32
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Vyoos news
We have been perplexed at times to see surveys of consumer dislikes which do not rank phone calls being placed on hold as number one. We found this so surprising that we recently undertook our own research, and Vyoos can now reveal a carefully concealed corporate secret - a big business conspiracy, in which high-level politicians may be implicated - regarding this issue.
Caller on hold, for those who have never used a telephone, is the process whereby companies treat customers and potential customers like idiots by assuming that they don't mind waiting for interminable periods listening to mindless promotional material, this after possibly hours pressing numbers just to get to the promotional material closest to their enquiry topic.
Call hold would be on top of every consumer pet hate list except for the terrible secret our research has revealed: many people die while waiting on the phone.
Most beat themselves to death with the handpiece.
"It is the great hidden shame of our so-called first-world society," said a psychiatrist, "that so little is understood about the human mind's ability to cope with the unique duress associated with call hold.
"People - and companies - need to understand that call hold minutes aren't like other minutes. You know how the Richter Scale works - how a magnitude 7 earthquake is 10 times as strong as a magnitude 6 earthquake? Well call hold is sort of like that - each minute imparts stress equal to all the previous minutes combined.
"I know, believe me. I went through this call hold last year and I've only just been released from intensive care. I'm better now, I think, except I wake at night sometimes and hear demonic voices singing 'Your call is important' in three-part harmony."
We have no doubt that Vodafone Australia had all the above in mind when it announced today that it is scrapping call hold. That's right, in a announcement which should have been televised live around the galaxy (what were their marketing people thinking?) Vodafone said all callers from the middle of next month would have the option of selecting a "return call", meaning a Vodafone representative would call them back as soon as possible.
"As soon as possible" may mean shortly before the next ice age but we don't care. This is the biggest news in telecommunications since Alexander Graham Bell sent the first telephonic message - to an assistant in an adjoining room - and had to wait for a response.
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