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The end of death by call hold

October 28th 2010 06:32
: Vyoos news
call hold

We have been perplexed at times to see surveys of consumer dislikes which do not rank phone calls being placed on hold as number one. We found this so surprising that we recently undertook our own research, and Vyoos can now reveal a carefully concealed corporate secret - a big business conspiracy, in which high-level politicians may be implicated - regarding this issue.


Caller on hold, for those who have never used a telephone, is the process whereby companies treat customers and potential customers like idiots by assuming that they don't mind waiting for interminable periods listening to mindless promotional material, this after possibly hours pressing numbers just to get to the promotional material closest to their enquiry topic.

Call hold would be on top of every consumer pet hate list except for the terrible secret our research has revealed: many people die while waiting on the phone.

Most beat themselves to death with the handpiece.

"It is the great hidden shame of our so-called first-world society," said a psychiatrist, "that so little is understood about the human mind's ability to cope with the unique duress associated with call hold.

"People - and companies - need to understand that call hold minutes aren't like other minutes. You know how the Richter Scale works - how a magnitude 7 earthquake is 10 times as strong as a magnitude 6 earthquake? Well call hold is sort of like that - each minute imparts stress equal to all the previous minutes combined.


"I know, believe me. I went through this call hold last year and I've only just been released from intensive care. I'm better now, I think, except I wake at night sometimes and hear demonic voices singing 'Your call is important' in three-part harmony."

We have no doubt that Vodafone Australia had all the above in mind when it announced today that it is scrapping call hold. That's right, in a announcement which should have been televised live around the galaxy (what were their marketing people thinking?) Vodafone said all callers from the middle of next month would have the option of selecting a "return call", meaning a Vodafone representative would call them back as soon as possible.

"As soon as possible" may mean shortly before the next ice age but we don't care. This is the biggest news in telecommunications since Alexander Graham Bell sent the first telephonic message - to an assistant in an adjoining room - and had to wait for a response.

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Vyoos on news

February 5th 2010 02:57
news vyoos

News is a quirky beast, and shaping it can be a bit like building a sand castle with quicksand.

Like everything in today’s instant information world, news is not always what it’s supposed to be, and often it doesn’t finish the way it started.

News is man bites dog – the unusual, the quirky, the rare and the wonderful. Today, however, news is also a commodity, a manufactured oddity assembled on the production lines of political and celebrity marketing ambition, polished by media industry reporters and packaged by editors.

By the time it reaches you, the consumer, it can have the same relationship with the original story that beer has with hops; that the sun has with a telescope.

The line between news and entertainment is fading. Even the serious, and seriously ethical, presenters of news, such as the British Broadcasting Corporation, have reporters and readers who speak with exaggerated tonal stresses, a journalistic equivalent of canned laughter.

Did we mention journalism? It’s a dying art, slowly suffocating under a growing need to help people not to think.
image: www.mediaaccess.org.au



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Who wants to be a solitaire?

January 4th 2010 00:11
lifegem diamond
Technology is marvellous with so many amazing things achievable nowadays. For example, just how deprived were our grandparents who lived in a time when, if a loved one died, it was not possible to turn their remains into a diamond?

Today it is. Just go to www.lifegem.com and see.

The American company says, "Your LifeGem memorial will offer comfort and support when and where you need it, and provide a lasting memory that endures just as a diamond does. Forever."

Just in case you have found the opening paragraphs of this article surreal, or find yourself blinking rapidly and repeatedly saying "Huh?", let us put this plainly: LifeGem takes the corpse of your loved one, and burns it, and gathers the carbon, and turns it into a diamond and, after you hand over a lot of money, gives you the gem.

Is this morbid or perhaps tacky? Heck, no!

"If you desire an everlasting connection to the one you have lost, the LifeGem is right for you. Each LifeGem, as a celebration of life, tells a unique story and represents a new beginning," says the company blurb.

The process, LifeGem says, involves six months during which the ashes are heated to produce graphite which is then placed into a diamond press and subjected to high pressure. What comes out is a raw crystal that is then polished and shaped. You can even choose your own colour — blue, red, green, yellow and "now even colorless" are available.

"Like a sunset captured in time or a wave upon the ocean, each LifeGem will have its own individual hue within the color family you choose."

The managing director of LifeGem in the UK, David Hampson, told the BBC, "Some people may think that it's not for them and we expect a lot of people will feel like that. But it really is a 21st Century version of Victorian mourning jewellery, of chopping off a piece of hair and putting it in a locket."

Nice try David, but we'll stick with the hair in a locket option.

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Blood suckers

September 14th 2009 06:15
brazilian black piranha

The Australian Bankers’ Association has updated and republished a consumer booklet called "Smarter Banking: Make the Most of your Money". The booklet can be viewed online here but I wouldn't bother. I had a look and nowhere in the booklet does the ABA call retail banks sharks, piranhas or soulless, heartless money grubbers.

[ Click here to read more ]
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wedding dress kovacs
Hannah Kovacs in her $18 wedding dress

In 1991, just before moving overseas to live, I decided to consolidate all my addresses and phone numbers in a new contact book. This item, basically a few blank sheets of paper stuck together with glue, cost me just under A$10. A similar item in an Australian newsagent today will cost a fraction of the price.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Opinions can not be trusted

August 14th 2009 04:28
surveys

Richard Smith, a British doctor and director of the Ovations program which fights chronic disease in the developing world, recently had breakfast in Bangladesh with an unnamed economics professor from Harvard University.

[ Click here to read more ]
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banker protest

I watched the television news last night and learned that National Australia Bank is to scrap overdue account fees. The decision will cost the bank an estimated A$100 million a year in revenue, but it had decided getting rid of the charge was "a good business decision that will retain customers and attract new ones".

[ Click here to read more ]
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rachael finch
Rachael Finch

It was all glamour and glitter at the Sydney Hilton last night as a host of beautiful young women paraded before the Miss Universe Australia judges, and a host of less beautiful, less young people asked the perennial question — are beauty pageants outdated?

[ Click here to read more ]
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